Do I love him?
by Evangeliana
Summary: Shuichi doesn't love Yuki anymore... does he?
1. 1

Do I love him?  
  
Disclaimer: not mine  
  
  
  
Do I still love him?  
  
Do I?  
  
I ask myself a thousand times. I watch him, watch his beauty, his grace, his loveliness. I desire him. But love?  
  
Love?  
  
I loved him, that's for sure. I would have given my life for him. I would have done everything he told me. Just to please him. To make him love me. Love me back. Now he does. He loves me back. Well. . . he loves me.  
  
I hate myself. For making him loving me. I don't love him anymore. It just stopped. I woke up beside him one morning and thought: 'What am I doing here?'  
  
When he told me to leave I thought my heart would break. I loved him more than anything else. He was my world. His eyes were my stars, his skin my heaven, his breath my air. Nothing mattered if it wasn't related to him in any way.  
  
I'm lying beside him, tired because me made love for hours. He's asleep. He's so beautiful when he's asleep. Peaceful. Young. Cute. Loveable. I should love him. What's wrong with me? Beside me is an intelligent, beautiful man that loves me and I. . . can't love him back anymore.  
  
He's moving around a bit, his hand searching for mine. He throws an arm over my chest. Possessively. He always does when he can't find my hand. Maybe he's dreaming of me. Dreams about my confessions of love. I said so many times I loved him. I meant it. Lately it's nothing more than a lie. Three words, meaning nothing. To me. To him they mean so much.  
  
He doesn't say it too often. He's still not used to.  
  
I know him. I know everything one can know about him. I know his feelings.  
  
If I left him, would I ever be able to see him again? Would I want to? I think I would. I worked so hard until he trusted me. I don't want to lose that. And he's wonderful. Really. I love watching him.  
  
But I don't love him.  
  
I have to tell him, I know that. But I don't dare. What would he do? Killing me? Like he killed. . . No, that's not fair. I don't think he would cry. A break-up is not something that would make him cry. He would look at me, with cold golden eyes. He would be saying: "Hai." Then he would turn around and continue whatever he did before.  
  
That's how I imagine it. It won't be so easy.  
  
TBC  
  
A/N:  
  
I need a break from This love (although I'm writing chap. 14 at the moment) and Resignation. At least once I want to make someone unhappy *smilesevilly* As BMG for this fic I recommend "In your dreams" by Natural Born Hippies. I listened to it while I was writing that. It inspired me because one line is "'cause I have to let you go".  
  
Dedicated to Heath. 


	2. 2

Do I love him?  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Disclaimer: not mine  
  
Your eyes are cold like golden ice. They gleam. And your face is so indifferent. You try to pretend you don't care. I told you I didn't love you.  
  
For a second I saw more emotions in your eyes than I thought you possessed. Disbelief, anger, pain, hate, fear, . . .  
  
I feel so guilty. I know I'll hate myself for the rest of my life. But that's the price I have to pay. Maybe I should have stayed with you for the rest of my life. Pretending to love you is easy. Because it should be easy to love you. You're sweet and lovely and everything I want you to be.  
  
You're still staring at me. You're raising your hand. You're slapping me.  
  
I deserve the pain.  
  
After the slap you lean in and kiss me on my lips. I can see the tears in your eyes. Then you turn around and I hear a quiet "Get out!"  
  
I leave.  
  
*** *** *** *** ***  
  
I returned to my parents. I live in my old room. I'm still singing in Bad Luck. Hiro is still my best friend and I still adore Nittle Grasper.  
  
But I'm not Yuki's lover anymore.  
  
I haven't seen him in a while. Ryuichi told me he's back in Kyoto. Every new book is immediately no. 1 on the best seller's list. He released three books since I left him.  
  
"GONE", "HATE" and "DEATH".  
  
I'm worried. He wouldn't do something stupid, would he? He wouldn't hurt himself. I don't love him, but I care for him. He's important to me. I miss him. His sarcasm, his quiet presence, his ability to make me happy.  
  
I'm not happy. I thought I would be as soon as I left him, as soon as I left the lie of love behind.  
  
Maybe. . . could it be. . . do I still love him? No. I don't think so. But why is it so difficult to forget him? To get his face out of my head?  
  
Yuki. . .  
  
"Shuichi."  
  
He's here. WHY?!  
  
"Aren't you in Kyoto?"  
  
He looks confused. Gods, how much weight has he lost?! He looks so. . . fragile! His eyes are darker than I remember them. The skin even whiter. So pale! No Armani suit. A black shirt and black jeans.  
  
"No."  
  
"Why are you here? What do you want?" "I want to know why." I stare at the ground. "I thought. . . I told you." "You didn't. You said you didn't love me, that was all." "Well, that was why. I don't love you, so I can't live with you." He is quiet. Then he asks: "And why don't you love me anymore?"  
  
I don't know what to say.  
  
"I don't know. Really, I don't." "Have I done something wrong?" I can't stand the pain in his voice. "No, it's not your fault. It's me."  
  
"Did you ever love me?"  
  
What? Why does he ask such a question? Of course I did.  
  
"Yes. I loved you. More than I loved anything else."  
  
"But love doesn't stop suddenly, Shuichi."  
  
My name. He says my name. He hardly did that when we. . . when I was with him. It's still nice to hear it.  
  
I look at him. His face is still so cold.  
  
"It's not supposed to, huh? But it did, Yuki, and I can't tell you why because I don't know it."  
  
He shrugs. "Whatever. That was all I wanted to know." He looks into my eyes and I could swear he can see into my soul.  
  
Suddenly I'm in his arms and we share a passionate kiss.  
  
After a few minutes he breaks the kiss. "You don't love me anymore, huh?"  
  
He leaves without turning around a second time.  
  
I let myself fall to the ground. All I see is the light in his golden eyes.  
  
Do I still love him?  
  
TBC  
  
A/N:  
  
Mwahahah, does he? Maybe, maybe not. . .  
  
Dedicated to ChibiChris! 


	3. 3

Do I love him  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Disclaimer: still not mine...  
  
"Eiri-san?"  
  
"Hn."  
  
"Eiri-san, talk to me. What happened? Open the door, please Eiri-san! Please!"  
  
"Go away."  
  
*** *** *** *** ***  
  
"Shindou!"  
  
Oh, not good. Seguchi-san appears to be more than pissed.  
  
"What the hell did you do to Eiri-san? He was okay, why does he refuse to open the door now? WHAT happened?!"  
  
I look at him angrily. "Is that your business? I don't think so, Seguchi- san. If Yuki doesn't want to tell you, I sure as hell won't."  
  
He's even more pissed. He glares at me, but leaves the studio.  
  
Yuki refuses to open the door? I sigh. I know what I have to do.  
  
*** *** *** *** ***  
  
"Yuki? Yuki, open the door. It's me, Shuichi."  
  
I hear footsteps. A key is turned around. The door opens. I peer into the hallway.  
  
"Yuki?"  
  
A pale, thin man looks at me. Thin? That's an understatement. Gods, he looks like a skeleton. I step into the apartment and close the door. He goes to the living-room. Well, he tries. Obviously it's hard for him to walk.  
  
"Yuki, what happened? Why are you. . ."  
  
"I didn't eat anything since I was at your parents' house."  
  
I'm shocked.  
  
"But Yuki, that was two weeks ago. Are you telling me that you haven't had anything to eat for 14 days?"  
  
He grins. "I do, my little heart-breaker. But why should you care if I live or die? You don't love anymore, so piss off and let me die in my own dirt."  
  
"And you really think I would do that?"  
  
"Oh, little Shu-chan seems to be disgusted. Disgusted by Yuki-sama, the biggest loser in the universe. The baka who couldn't even make a stupid untalented brat love him. Oh yes, I deserve to die."  
  
I start at his sarcastic voice, the hate-filled words.  
  
He starts crying. And throwing things at me.  
  
"Sod off, I hate you!"  
  
I rush over to him and catch his hands. I hold them in mine. Gods. . . they're so skinny. "Yuki! Yuki, stop it!"  
  
He's too weak to struggle. Suddenly he's tired. Exhausted.  
  
I throw my arms around his waist and rest my head at his chest. Oh, it feels so safe there. I almost forgot HOW safe it felt. How. . . cozy.  
  
I released his hands and now he's stroking my hair without really noticing it. I hear him muttering.  
  
"He's back. . . my Shuichi's back. . . but soon I'm going to wake up and he will be gone. . . and I'm alone again. I was alone for such a long time and then he came and I was happy. But he left me. Everybody left me. I'm not made to be loved. Nobody can love me, I'm worthless. Worthless."  
  
I shiver. How desperate he sounds. And I'm the reason.  
  
His hands. . . I love them. Even now they're comforting and loving and wonderful.  
  
I am so stupid.  
  
Did I really think I didn't love him anymore?  
  
But do I?  
  
Yes, I fucking love him.  
  
"Yuki!"  
  
He stops stroking my hair.  
  
"Huh?" He looks like he had been sleeping.  
  
"Yuki, I love you."  
  
He stares at me. Then his eyes close and his hands fall to his sides.  
  
"Yuki? YUKI!!"  
  
TBC  
  
A/N:  
  
Oh, I love torturing! Somehow in every fic someone loses consciousness. But it's so much fun to let the others worry ^______________________^ Well, I'm not very good at writing, so I always use the same ideas *hides* Don't kill me. Please.  
  
Dedicated to Dennis. Have fun in China. 


	4. 4

Do I love him?  
  
Disclaimer: not mine  
  
  
  
He opens his eyes. Despair in them. He doesn't believe me.  
  
"You will leave me again." he whispers. "You left me and you'll do it again."  
  
"No, Yuki, I won't. I won't leave you again. I love you."  
  
"That's what you said before and then you left. I don't believe you, Shindou."  
  
I nearly cry. But I understand him. He's right. I told him I loved him and then I left. And now he's a wreck. Because of me. Where is my strong beautiful cool Yuki? All that's left is a weak desperate Eiri-san. I take him in my arms again. And again, he's too weak to refuse.  
  
"Yuki. . . Yuki, please forgive me. Please. I love you. I don't know why I said I didn't love you anymore. I was just sad that you were so cold and never said you loved me. I wanted to hurt you. I didn't realise how much I hurt myself. And now I know that I love you and. . ."  
  
I can't talk anymore. All I can do is crying. And I cry. My head on his chest again. I hear his heartbeat. It's so soothing. I feel his arms around me.  
  
"Shuichi no baka. . . So stupid." His voice is so quiet. I look at him through my tears. He's smiling. A rare smile. Just for ME!!! Ha!  
  
I missed this rare smile so much.  
  
I stop crying. I'm just lying there. In his arms. The safest place in the world.  
  
Maybe I shouldn't be here. I'm just making him miserable.  
  
But I see what he's without me. He's nearly dead. He needs me. Desperately. I'm afraid because of this despair. It's too much.  
  
But I can't leave him. He would kill himself. And it would be my fault.  
  
And don't I love him after all? Yes, I do.  
  
What am I supposed to do? I want to stay. But is it good for him? I hope so. Really.  
  
I look at him. He's fallen asleep. How beautiful he is. Even now, skinny and weak.  
  
I don't want to wake him up. But I have to.  
  
"Yuki. . . Yuki, wake up."  
  
He yawns and smiles at me, before his face pales.  
  
"It. . . was not a dream?"  
  
I have to laugh. "No, it wasn't. I'm here, Yuki, and I will stay with you."  
  
He looks away, but his arms tighten around me. I sigh. "I want to be with you again, Yuki. I love you."  
  
"Why did you leave me? I asked you that before, didn't I? I can't remember."  
  
I nod. "You did. You asked me and I said I didn't love you anymore."  
  
His eyes are so sad. "What made you think you didn't love me anymore? What did I do?"  
  
"You did nothing. You were just so. . . distant. You're always distant and I should be used to it, but I'm not. Sometimes I can't stand that, Yuki."  
  
"So it was because of me."  
  
"No. You were just being yourself. And that's not wrong or I'd never have fallen in love with you. So it has to be something wrong with me. You know, the whole time I thought how stupid I was to leave someone like you. You're beautiful and smart and I'll never find someone like you again. I have to be very stupid, ne, Yuki?"  
  
He smiles again, but doesn't say anything about my last sentence. He really must be weak.  
  
  
  
*** Later ***  
  
  
  
We're lovers again. Of course I moved back into the apartment. Yuki's still a bit thin, but not as skinny as he was once. And he's still distant and withdrawn. But he tries to open up. I don't think about leaving anymore. I know I couldn't. Because I know what will happen to him.  
  
So I stay.  
  
I love him.  
  
Do I?  
  
Yes.  
  
At least I hope so.  
  
  
  
Owari  
  
  
  
A/N:  
  
I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired! ???!!!  
  
I think I'll post an alternative ending as well, an unhappy one. . . ^___^ I NEED that!!! 


	5. 4 II

Do I love him?  
  
Disclaimer: not mine. . .  
  
Chapter 4 - Alternative ending  
  
  
  
"Yu. . . Yuki?"  
  
He doesn't respond anymore.  
  
Gods. . . what have I done?  
  
I killed him.  
  
I killed the man I love more than life itself. My stupidity and stubbornness killed him.  
  
I kiss his forehead, his cheeks and his lips. They're still warm. And still so very, very soft. How often have I felt them on my body? On my lips?  
  
How often have his hands caressed me when I was tired and exhausted after a day of singing or a whole tour? Yuki didn't want me to go on tour. He never said that, of course. But every time he came up with many very good reasons to stay in Tokyo.  
  
Now I kiss him a last time and lay him down on the couch.  
  
"Good-bye Yuki."  
  
I'm crying.  
  
I call Seguchi-san and tell him he should come to Yuki's apartment. I don't even try to muffle my sobs.  
  
Then I leave. I can't stay here. I don't even look at Yuki anymore. I kow I couldn't take it, his body lying there. So peacefully.  
  
I hope he was happy when he died. I really do.  
  
Yuki. . . I love you.  
  
***  
  
Where is he now? Where is my Yuki? Is he happy? I hope I'll know it soon.  
  
I watch the sunset. It reminds me of him. Then I continue watching the people down there. It's a high building I chose. Very high.  
  
I smile. I'm coming, Yuki.  
  
Then I fall.  
  
I'm coming.  
  
***  
  
Tatsuha hugged Maiko. The young girl was sobbing. "Maiko-chan," he whispered. "Don't cry. He's happy now."  
  
"How do you know that?" she asked back.  
  
"He's with Eiri now. That's what he wanted. That's why he. . . well, you know."  
  
"Oh, just say it." She whispered. That's why he fell down 200 metres. Only to be with Yuki-san." She shook her head. "I understand him though I'd have preferred another solution." She rubbed her eyes. "Thank you for coming, Tatsuha-san."  
  
He shrugged. "He was my friend."  
  
Then the black-haired teen looked at the grave. Shuichi's grave was in Tokyo while Yuki was buried in Kyoto. Although Tatsuha doubted that it made any difference for their spirits. He sighed.  
  
"Be happy, Shuichi. Wherever you are. And take care of aniki."  
  
***  
  
Shuichi did.  
  
  
  
- Owari -  
  
A/N:  
  
Well, my alternative ending. . . *sighs* It was quite difficult to get into the story, but I hope you'll like it.  
  
Dedicated to Chibi-chan.  
  
Nix drauf einbilden *lol* aber wem sonst sollte ich eine Gravi-fanfic widmen? ^^ *schnubbel* 


End file.
